You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!
by Glorfirien
Summary: MiniJack is down for the count. Our not so heroic heroine is having a mental breakdown. And they’re still not any closer to returning home. Where are they now? Think: Capes and tights. [SG1JLU Crossover] [Part 3 in an ongoing Series] See Author's Profile!
1. Prologue

-1**You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!**

Glorfirien

* * *

**Summary:** Mini-Jack is down for the count. Our not so heroic heroine is having a mental breakdown. And they're still not any closer to returning home. Where are they now? Think: Capes and tights. (SG-1/JL(U) Crossover) 

**Disclaimer:** (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. Justice League (Unlimited), all its characters, plots, backstory, etc. are not property of the author. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

**A/N:** Well kiddies, I'm back for more. This is the prologue and very much lacking in my usual humor. But wait and we'll come 'round to it soon enough. Remember to review. And remember that this _is_ a work in progress and that I'm smack dab in the middle of midterms so cut me some slack 'ey? I don't start what I won't finish so just stay patient and loyal.

Oh, and I'm playing around with different points of views so...state a preference. Cindy? Jack? Others?

Enough. On to the story!

* * *

**NOTE TO ALL NEW READERS!! THIS IS THE 3RD PART OF A SERIES!! TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON PLEASE READ _'Why Me?' and 'Oh For Cryin' Out Loud'!!_**

* * *

**** No one ever claimed that they led boring lives.

Due to rather extensive experience with the weird and dangerous aspects of life they were only minimally surprised when a pair of unknown intruders spontaneously appeared.

"JACK!" the hysterical girl only had eyes for her companion whose torso wound was staining his middle a vibrant red.

* * *

Ohgodohgodnononononono. 

You're supposed to put pressure on wounds right?

Warm, slick _crimson_ liquid is seeping through my fingers staining them a stark scarlet no matter how hard I press the sweet metallic smell is so thick it leaves a tang in my mouth and what the hell? "Lemme go! He needs help! Jack! You stupid bastard you can't do this! Wake up! Jack! Jack! I'm sorry!"

Whoever has grabbed me isn't letting go anytime soon.

God, please. He can't die. Don't let him die.

I can't stop crying.

As some guy in spandex summons some green energy to contain the wound and another red clad guy is picking Jack up and rushing him away.

It's just not computing.

Shuddering gasps are escaping me, my nose is plugged; I can't _breathe_.

"Get her calmed down! She's going into shock!"

'Obviously,' I would have shot off smartly if I could have.

Spots in my vision. Graying and growing darker.

Well this is new.

"Breathe in!"

I grasp onto the command.

"Exhale!"

"Slowly."

There's oxygen in my lungs.

And the darkness recedes.

Though my eyes refuse to look away from my drying hands. Sticky. Bloody.

Massive hands take them from line of sight _black gloves?_

I'm forced to look up.

Looming black clad figure, cape and tights.

"You have got to be kidding me."

Well so much for staying conscious.

* * *

End Prologue

* * *

Well? What's the verdict? It's short but I just wrote it up an hour ago. It bit me and itched incessantly.

* * *

Glorfirien

* * *


	2. Chapter 1

**You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!**

Glorfirien

* * *

**Summary:** Mini-Jack is down for the count. Our not so heroic heroine is having a mental breakdown. And they're still not any closer to returning home. Where are they now? Think: Capes and tights. (SG-1/JL(U) Crossover) 

**Disclaimer:** (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. Justice League (Unlimited), all its characters, plots, backstory, etc. are not property of the author. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

**A/N: **It was a struggle to start this chapter but once I got into the groove…Anyway, you might notice that this is actually moving away from my usual humor and becoming a bit more angst/dark; Hopefully, I'm not becoming too dramatic, but I like how this came out, a bit more realistic, I think. And thank you all for being so patient.

* * *

Why's it so dark? 

Oh, right.

Heh.

My eyes are still closed.

In my defense, they feel like they weigh a ton.

Okay, here goes…

GAH!! LIGHT!

My eyes!

They burn!

"I think she's awake," the voice is too amused and a girl, female, whatever.

Gee, ya think? Brilliant observation there. What tipped you off? The whimper or the shriek of pain?

"Actually, it was your EKG."

Crap, I said that out loud?

"Yes, you did."

I groan and open my eyes.

Only to shut them just as quickly and frantically grab the sheets to pull them over my head.

"Was there any actual brain damage?" a darkly amused guy…well man, actually…his voice registers as growly and yum to my ears. Like chocolate. Melted chocolate. God, I hope I wasn't just babbling out loud.

"Why are you…are you well?" the chick finally settles on a diplomatic question.

"No. I am **not** well. I am so not well, I'm hiding under the freakin' covers! What kinda person does that? I'll tell you. Someone who is definitely not well by any definition!"

Silence.

"Are you in any physical pain?" Geez, this person won't give up. Obviously, I'm trying to ignore reality and she's not letting me!

Do I really wanna face the fact that I'm stuck again? This time facing this absolutely gorgeous woman who's wearing what amounts to a bathing suit?

Wait…pain?

JACK!

----------

A few moments of silence when they think they'd get no answer and in a burst of motion the sheets are thrown aside to reveal a frantic young woman.

"Where's Jack?! Is he okay! Where is he? Oh God," she groans and puts shaking palms to her face.

"Jack is your companion, correct?"

The girl looks up only to have her eyes widen and she whimpers as she catches sigh of Wonder Woman.

She pulls up her knees and buries her face in her arms; moaning in disbelief? Pain?

They exchange glances.

"This sucks," she mutters for everyone to hear. "This sucks so much it doesn't just suck, it blows. It sucks and blows simultaneously…urgh. That's just wrong."

A sigh.

She looks up but doesn't meet anyone's gaze.

"No, I'm not in pain. Yes, Jack is my companion. Unless you have other people with stab wounds stashed around here…he's okay though, right?" she finally meets someone's eyes, silently pleading.

"He is still sedated but his injuries are no longer life threatening," J'onn assures her as he enters the room.

Her eyes widen comically and she squeaks.

"We mean you no harm," he reassures.

"Can…can I see him?" she inquires uncertainly.

"Not at the moment. Would you answer some questions first?" she nods dumbly as she catches sight of Superman.

"Who are you?"

---------

Well, it seems that Batman is going to be the inquisitor.

Big surprise.

I really need to get those pamphlets.

"I'm Cindy Cardenas," I answer shortly.

"Birthplace. Birthdate. Address. And how did you get onto this station?"

"Gee, I'm not sure I can give out that information before the first date," I toss cheerily.

What? He's being a total asshole about this.

Only one person outright laughs.

I can't help but grin.

The Flash is so cool!

…Holy Batshit!

That glare of his is really potent.

"All right! Stop with evil eye! Jeez, get a sense of humor. God, it figures. Almost get killed, and then I'm tossed willy-nilly in a universe filled with insensitive jerks."

"Explain."

You know, some people might think that Batman has a very limited range of expression but I find that he's very expressive, it's subtle. Like 'Tell me before I hurt you,' and 'Tell me or I'll hurt you.'

Miniscule but tangible difference.

"All right. For the third, and yet still very tedious, time. My name is Cindy Cardenas. A couple of days ago, from my point of view anyway, I found myself instantaneously transported into an alternate reality where stuff that I'd seen happen on T.V. actually happened. Then, me and Jack, a person from that reality, were hijacked into yet another reality where there was a war going on. Psycho Traitor Transvestite, Zoicite for short, was after my blood but Jack got in the way in a stupid effort to protect me. He got a freaking sword in the gut and then we end up here. Concise enough for ya?"

The five people in the room exchange those glances where they do the silent communication thing.

Then, J'onn's eyes start glowing.

No, fucking way.

"THIS-IS-THE-SONG-THAT-NEVER-ENDS-YES-IT-GOES-ON-AND-ON-MY-FRIENDS-SOMEBODY-STARTED-SINGING-IT-NOT-KNOWING-WHAT-IT-  
WAS-ONE-FISH-TWO-FISH!RED-FISH!BLUE-FISH!GET-THE-FUCK-OUTTA-MY-HEMPH!"

I'm sick and tired of people putting their hands over my mouth.

"OW! She bit me!"

"What the fuck do you expect! I can't believe you people! You read my mind! You skipped through my thoughts and memories like a thief! I have rights and I reserve the right not to have my fucking privacy violated! Just because you people have powers it doesn't give you the right to use them on me!"

Superman looks all sorry and shit. Wonder Woman seems compassionate. The Flash avoids my eyes, uncomfortable. Martian-Boy…who the hell knows? Batman? He's more of a frickin' alien than the Martian.

"GET OUT!"

Superman takes a step forward, "Listen, I'm sorry…"

He's _sorry?!_ What the hell does he want? Absolution?

Does he think some "heartfelt" apology is going to make it all okay?

And that just pisses me off beyond belief.

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT! I HATE YOU! SUPERHEROES MY ASS! FUCKING MIND-RAPISTS!! GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!"

I start screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs, viciously happy to see Superman wince. From the volume or from being called a rapist? I'm hoping both.

My vision is blurred with tears and my throat hurts, not helped by the gasps of breaths I'm forced to take because I can't seem to get enough air in my lungs.

They still haven't moved.

I grab one of the plastic cups next to the bed and make to toss it.

"There's no need to shout," Wonder Woman looks annoyed as she grabs my wrist tight enough to make me release the cup.

She's fucking serious. I can't belief she's actually getting a bitchy attitude, like I'm the offending one. Like I'm a child throwing a tantrum.

I can't even summon enough volume to shout.

"I find that I'm not inclined to be polite to people who rummage around in my thoughts without my permission. And then, take away my given freedom of speech as an American citizen; not to mention, touching me without my permission! The Martian is a telepath, I bet his people had rules about that sort of thing. No one had permission to read my mind. It's a rape. And you stood there and let him. Allowed it, no, **ordered** it. And just because you have all these nice little powers and your impenetrable tower you can get away with it," I pause and look at my wrist where her grip has strengthened, "Oh. You're hurting me. But then, you might as well rough me around, bruise me a bit. You can. You have the power to, who can stop you? Certainly not me. I'd have a problem going against a regular woman of your size. So, why don't you? I mean, you've already violated me, why not make it physical as well? Surely venting your frustration physically is par for the course for an Amazon. C'mon, hit me," I hiss.

Her eyes widen as she lets her grasp go and backs away.

I glare at all of them, suddenly tired.

"If you're done abusing me would you be kind enough to leave?" I question brightly, like an maniac on crack.

----------

He's actually torn.

He understands her feelings, they mirror his own when it comes to the issue of telepathy and metahumans.

Yet, he is also very wary.

She's good.

Clark is looking like someone shot his dog. Or rather, like _he_ had to shoot a dog, and flambé a fluffy kitten with his heat vision. Flash is jittery and uncomfortable in his own skin, unable to stay still or meet anyone's eyes, guilty. Diana, a study in stoicism yet it is obvious by the tense set of her body and face that she is disturbed and vaguely horrified.

J'onn is the worst. Despite being alien, there are certain cues that he's been able to recognize through careful scrutiny. Sorrow. Self loathing.

And himself, questioning his actions and allies.

She's made them feel like villains and question their morality, making them vulnerable.

If this is part of a plot against them and she isn't as harmless as she seems; then it looks as if she's succeeded.

----------

They're avoiding any conversation, unwilling to acknowledge the situation.

Batman's furiously researching their guests with what little information he has.

Lantern has been given the task of simultaneously monitoring their guests and the monitors for the Watchtower. Making sure that repairs and modifications are going smoothly.

Flash is in the kitchens, binge eating to keep up with his metabolism.

Diana and Superman are sparring, viciously, in the training room.

J'onn has been absent for awhile.

Lantern frowns as he manipulates the camera and audio in the young woman's room. She's been rocking back and forth in a decidedly unstable manner and her lips are moving. He winces as her voice carries loudly through the room.

"_You can run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Run on for a long time  
Sooner or later God'll cut you down  
Sooner or later God'll cut you down"(1)_

She's not singing. It's a mixture of a low, mournful humming and matter of fact speech which makes the rendition eerie.

"Hey! Super Zeroes! Whaddaya think? American Idol status? No? Damn shame. Yo, when can I see Jack? Ya know, just to make sure he's alive. Not that I don't trust you," she ends mockingly.

---------

They don't even have a T.V!

It's all sterile walls, a clean prison.

So what else is there for me to do but try and freak my captors out? They want to play mind games…I'll play. I probably won't win but I'll be damned if I don't give it my best.

Personally, I think Johnny Cash is rather inspired. At least I didn't go all horror-flick and start humming an eerie tune.

_You do recall that He advocates forgiveness and turning the other cheek?_

…You do recall that I'm hardly the most devout follower, by any definition?

_Granted._

And what they did…they call themselves good but they do THAT?! And just what did he get? Do they know?

_What if the point was for them to find out?_

Okay. First, I think that if God wanted to prove His existence to a bunch of spandex wearing goodie-goodies He'd have a more dependable and impressive way than to rely on me. Second, I'm pretty sure that proving His definite existence defeats His purpose. I thought He was big on faith?

_And you say you're not devout._

I'm not. I don't even remember that last time I picked up a Bible.

…_August first, you were unpacking your books._

I didn't want or need to know that.

_Well, then what if it was a test for you?_

…

_Cindy?_

If I metaphorically yell loud enough to shatter ear-drums would it harm you in any way?

…_Nope._

Well then, I saved someone some caps lock. I really really want to yell. You…what? Wanted to see how I held under psychic intrusion and thought they'd be the best choice? Why?!

_Like you said, they're the good guys. They wouldn't hurt you and exploit you like a super villain would. _

…Brilliant reasoning. Why the hell are you here anyway? I thought I was being hung out to dry.

_You did well._

Please, don't tell me the Moonie verse was a test too.

…

SARA! I thought my enemies were the bad guys but so far it's my own team that's been hurting me the most! What the hell is that about?!

_It wasn't a test for you._

Not for me? Then for…Jack? Seriously Sara? So not fucking cool. He got a **sword **in his **stomach**! What the hell was he doing with me anyway? What's going on? That whole contrived meeting in the park…shit.

_What?_

I forgot to ask the League about Homer! Is he okay?

_And here I thought it'd be something important. Yes, Homer is fine. He's currently stealing Flash's lunch._

Good doggie. He should bite some ankles. Now, why the friggin heck did Jack get stuck with me?

_You can't do this alone._

So, what? He's supposed to be my knight in shining armor or something? Personally, I'd prefer a partner in crime. And don't think I don't know that he's probably all ready to ignore me 'cuz he's like fifty and I'm only…damn. I'm twenty. I turned twenty in a crap cell manned by evil pretty boys! Man, at least if I were at the SGC, Mitchell might've finally given me my tiramisu. But I get stuck with slimy Jadeite! How is that fair?

_It's not. Now suck it up and get over it! You and Jack are supposed to be equal partners. _

Huh. You know you still haven't answered my question. How much did the Martian get from my head?

_Your memories have only been inaccessible since you first appeared in front of the Stargate. Anything from your own universe is free game. Except for you watching the League, of course._

…So not fair. Speaking of which, what's the timeline? When am I?

_After the Thanagarian invasion. They've just about gotten the Watchtower operational and ready for use._

Guess I can understand their freak out. Are there other capes about besides the founders?

_They haven't extended invitations yet._

Huh. You know I'm not exactly clear on this universe. It's not like Cartoon Network or Boomerang ever did anything in chronological sequence.

_Can't help you there._

Thanks.

_You're welcome._

It's difficult to express my sarcasm mentally so I'm rolling my eyes at you.

…_Batman is entering in about 5...4..._

Shit!

----------

She shot up into a sitting position as soon as the door opened with a hiss. A few owlish blinks followed by furious rubbing of her eyes as she groaned.

She sent her gaze upward, "Dude. This is so not funny. You have a sick sense of humor, yo."

Then, she took up a position that had become all too familiar. Knees brought up to chest and forehead settled on knees. Posture that all but screamed avoidance.

"Are you going to say something or just be a dark shadowy ominous figure in my corner for the rest of my stay here? Please say it ain't so. That'd be rather horrifying."

"You're not sending up any flags in the system," he ignored her juvenile sarcasm.

"You mean they didn't catch me for that brief stint in shoplifting when I was six? Surely that would go on my permanent record?"

"You don't _exist_."

"Now that's just mean. Descartes disagrees with your assessment therefore I must reject your reality and substitute my own," her muffled voice was filled with pleasure.(2)

"That's not possible."

"Everything's possible. I can't believe you, of all people, would subscribe to the word "impossible" and all its synonyms." Her amused, smugness was grating.

"Even the best of tampering leaves evidence. Nothing can be completely erased. If you're American like you claim you can't go without affecting the system; especially considering that you have some form of an education and knowledge of pop culture."

"What about Jack? Is he in Big Brother's sights?"

"Why won't you look at me?" More than wanting to deflect her question, he was curious as to what she would answer.

"You're a highly trained male more than twice my size who could smoosh me like a teeny little bug. And you dress funny. I'll either laugh or scream if I look at you," she sounded as if she was trying to reason with him.

The answer was interesting. Her flippant manner would have led him to believe that she'd say something more insulting and sarcastic.

"If you think that I'd hurt you then why are you being so _mouthy_?" He injected his statement with the slightest hint of exasperation in an effort to feed her ego.

Finally. She stretched from her paranoid and evasive position and look up at him. Her lips twitched-in amusement?- and she pursed them in an effort to keep from smiling.

"You people are the Justice League. You won't even kill the fucking Joker or Lex Luthor and look at how many people they've killed because no one seems to believe in the fucking death penalty. What the hell are you going to do to me? Someone who hasn't tried to hurt you, escape, overthrow governments in an attempt for world domination or other dastardly deeds. Sure, you can pull the psychological warfare crap and scare the shit outta me but..._harassment_? Really? You're going to continue to feed my belief that you people are self-righteous vigilantes well on their way to becoming "benevolent" dictators? You know, I wrote a paper on you once. I remember saying something about Freud's archetypes. I wrote that you functioned as The Shadow and that the guilty fear you because they consider you a manifestation of their crimes. You're the bogey man coming to get the naughty child. I am** not **guilty. So, in the words of a whiny brat 'you have no power over me'(3)! Now, either lemme see Jack, lemme go or get out!"

She grimaced when she realized he wasn't going anywhere. "Guess not. Worth a try though. So…how can I make you believe that I'm from a different dimension, reality, whatever? I mean, I could spout random facts but I really can't remember that many and they might not even hold true for this particular universe."

"How can we trust anything you say? Any information you give us could be from espionage. Or perhaps you can see the future or the past." Now that she was looking at him he was sure to use every method of intimidation available to him. Her previous rant had been…enlightening.

"You sure you want me to give away sensitive material why we're being observed by your super-friends? I didn't think you'd be so _trusting_," she mocked.

"Tell me."

She rolled her eyes like a recalcitrant child, reminiscent of Dick, Tim and every other teen he'd come across.

"Well, Mr. Wayne, I must say that I've been a fan of yours and Mr. Kent's for years. Since my youth, actually, but now I find that the shine has rather worn. I mean, I knew they said it was a mistake to meet your heroes but damn."

"Is that it? You've been reading too many tabloids," he sneered.

"Well gee, excuse me for trying to be discreet. Okay, let's see. Ah, Thanagarian Invasion! Dude, that must be such a burn! You _trusted_ her! I mean, that's the only way she could have pulled it off. You're the most paranoid bastard I've ever watched. Well, besides The Question. Really, what the hell do you want from me! I can't exactly tell you the future. You're such a jerk. Obviously, Alfred had his work cut out with you. Hope he got some manners into Tim and Dick. Then again, if Robin's leading the Titans he's as much of a self-contained jerk as you are. Really, that boy needs to loosen up. Take Starfire out or something. At least they're on the same side. Unlike you and your various forays into the world of dating. Then again, if you ever take Wonder Woman up on her attempts at flirting you might find someone who can finally put up with you. Which is something I recommend. 'Cuz your future? Pretty damned pathetic, yo. And if ever a man needed to pull his head out of his ass…tell Kent to just sweep Lois off her feet wouldya? I mean, Lord knows why the woman would stick around for so long but really. He needs to marry her and make super babies or something. Make Jonathan and Martha Kent happy. They need grandbabies. Which goes for you too buster. I'm sure Alfred would love raising the Wayne heir. You should get on that."

"Your information is severely limited."

"What do you want? You like that old show GrayGhost(4) or something. Wally West works at some lab. John Stewart is fricking Captain Kirk with all the space tail he gets. Superman really is a damned boy scout but he has a rather disturbing predilection for going out with people who have the initials L.L. think I should change my name to Lisa Lloyd?"

----------

"What was that?!" Superman confronted Batman as soon as exited their guest's room.

Batman acknowledged his question silently.

"Why did security go down in the room the minute you went in? You can't program the system to do what you want? We can't have those kinds of secrets. Not anymore!" Superman would have continued if he hadn't realized that Batman was projected an aura that screamed 'I don't care.'

"She's telling the truth."

Blunt and to the point.

"How do you know?"

"She said that you needed to 'get your head out of your ass, marry and give your parents super baby grandkids'."

Batman was amused at the blush that colored his companion's face.

"She did not!" Superman denied hotly.

He scrutinized Batman's features and vitals and found them to be steady and serious. Then again, the man was one of the few who could lie to him.

"You have got to be kidding me," he muttered, embarrassed.

* * *

**End Chapter 1**

* * *

(1) "God's Gonna Cut You Down" by Johnny Cash. 

(2)Descartes was a French Philosopher. You might recognize his most famous phrase, "I think, therefore I am."  
The whole "substitute my reality" thing is a quote from a t-shirt.

(3) From the movie _Labyrinth_

(4)In **Batman: The Animated Series** (of the 90's) there's an episode "Beware the Gray Ghost" which goes into a show that Batman had watched as a kid. Very film noir, crime fiction stuff.

* * *

So, thoughts? I've finally realized what a dialogue hog my character is. In fact, I've been told and have noticed that my fics are rather script-like with lots of dialogue and directions. Not so true for this series but for my other fics... 

If any of you are lost and have questions about the universe please leave questions in your reviews. I'm actually just using the animated cartoons to write this because I've not read the comics. There are so many differing timelines that I just decided to go with Justice League and save myself a head-ache.

Hopefully, I can wrap this section up in the next chapter. Jack still needs to wake up and ask for some autographs.

Review. Please?

* * *

Glorfirien

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